Went to yoga yesterday - finally, first time since last Monday. In the Hot Power Fusion class, it's the same sequence you go through, and camel pose is one we do towards the end. It looks like this:
Now first off, I can't reach my feet. In fact, I don't even reach for them, but put my hands in my "yogi pockets" right on my lower back. Every time we do this pose, they always tell us after, "Take a few minutes....this pose might bring up some stuff that you don't expect." Physically, it makes your heart race, and it also takes a lot of trust to go back and reach that far backwards (probably the reason I haven't even tried to reach for my feet yet.)
The whole theme of our class yesterday was "When the dark is at rest, the light begins to move." So our instructor read a little bit about this to us and kept talking about the darkness and light throughout class. We tried camel the first time, I came out of it early feeling really shaky and then she told us to try again - to look past the scariness and darkness of it and reach for the light.
I stuck with her the second time - still not reaching my feet and just leaning back, but stuck it out. I'm so glad it's hot yoga and everyone is sweating their @$$es off in there, because aside from the sniffling no one would probably know that I kinda started crying.
I was. I didn't want to, but I couldn't stop. I was thinking about the dark and the light thing. Here's the passage our teacher shared, which is not my words, but from The Book of Awakening (Nepo):
"Just how do we deal with agitations of the dark? How do we make our way through the tangle of being confused or sad or blocked in understanding a way to tomorrow? it seems natural enough to treat our problems like an overgrown path and go hacking our way through, doing small violence to ourselves. Yet this insight from an ancient Chinese text implies something harder and simler. It implies that agitation itself is dark, that only when we can keep our hands off will there be room for light.
How many times have I examined and reexamined the words of another in my mind, growing dark vines by going over and over what was said: What could it mean? What could all that wasn't said mean? What must I now do in response or in no-response? The thought-weeds grow, blocking the light.
I had to laugh when I think of how many hours I have spent in my life weaving story lines that never came true until, like weeds, they covered my heart. It was as if the light, in infinite patience, won't force itself into our hearts. No, it seems to wait and wait for us to open, content to fill whatever small space we can clear in ourselves.
It seems that agitations of the dark always cover over. For myself, I worked for years covering over more lesions of esteem with agitations of accomplishment, till my heart was covered over with a thicket of achievements. only when I put the achievements aside did the light begin to move. Only then did a Universal warmth reach my sore center. Only when I let the dark energies rest did I begin to heal."
So there I was, crying in yoga class. I was just thinking about how my thoughts are still pretty frequently going back to my ex and thinking about him, wondering what he's doing or if he's thinking of me. I mean, I'm definitely getting better, but these thoughts still continue to put this darkness in me. I had never thought of it like this until yesterday, and I think that was where the tears were coming from.
So I guess this is the thing - you can't really move on from things until you've learned the lessons. As I look back on my old relationships that didn't work, I can see if I had gone through this journey that I am on now, the recovery may have happened a little quicker. It's been four months, and although I was sad yesterday, I feel way better today. I'd say that's progress : )
Is there anything in your life that is bothering you? Maybe try camel pose and see what surfaces...
Happy Labor Day,
