Trying to Surrender

It's so hard to try and make yourself realize some things in life you can't control.

Yes - lots you can....

I wanted to be good at my job, so I worked hard at it (and continue to) so I can be.

(When) I want to lose weight, I know what to do to make that happen.

When I really want to buy something, I figure out a way to make it happen.

When I miss my family or friends, I find ways to connect.

When I didn't want to live in Phoenix anymore, I moved - no job, no apartment. I knew I could figure it out. And I did.

The only thing that I can't seem to nail down is finding a relationship that both of us want to continue.

See....here's the thing: I don't want to date just anyone. If that were the case, I would probably be dating this guy Tim I met a week or two ago from Match. He was nice enough, was in education, was cute enough, so yeah, I could have a boyfriend if I wanted.

That's just it - I don't just want just any guy who wants to date me. I don't think I'm that picky, but come on....some things I've found to be non-negotiable:

I have two degrees and am about to begin a third. You have to be ambitious. I don't necessarily care if you went to college, but you have to be driven enough to move yourself professionally and challenge yourself. You kind of have to like your job. I mean, I love my job. No, not every ounce of every day, but I waaaaay more like it than not.

You have to be more expressive than not. Have you read that book about the five love languages? Well, my top one is to be expressive - text me to tell me you're thinking about me. Tell me I look pretty when you see me. Say that it was so nice of me to do whatever I just did for you. I swear - one text and I'm good for a week!

eh...no.

Also - you kind of have to be funny. Even corny funny would be okay with me. (Okay, perhaps corny funny would be ideal.) : ) Really any kind of funny. Make me laugh. Have fun with me. Be silly. Have inside jokes. Stuff like that.

After I graduated with my Master's, I was telling my Aunt Pam that I was kind of sad, because I like school and coming to campus and meeting new people and learning new things. She told me, "Niece, now it's time to work on a M.R.S. degree." I had no idea what she meant, so she explained - you know, a Mrs. Degree - find a husband!

Sidenote: This is actually a thing! Auntie Pam, thought you made that one up!

Anyways - I get it. I would love for that to happen. But no matter what I do, I think I'm learning that you can't control that kind of thing. I can't just hop on Match (tried it), or go to a meet-up group (did it), or join a volleyball team (yep, that too), or go to alumni events with your college (check, check). I mean - you can do all those things, but that doesn't necessarily lead to anything to happen for sure.

I've never been a super religious person, but this summer I've really come to love yoga. Some of the teachers read us some meditative passages and I love that. I've definitely heard things about letting go from them - and I think it's the  only thing I can really do. But it's so scary! I'm the kind of girl who wants to control everything - do everything in steps to arrive at a finished product. The thing is, this is the one area of my life I just can't seem to control like I want to.

So I guess I need to just surrender. It's scary though. It's putting faith in the unknown and letting go of control. It's so hard, but I am going to start trying really hard to be okay with it. Have you learned this lesson already? Tips? I need help: I'm in the reteaching group for this as it's harder than hell to accomplish...

That's all for tonight and my first Slice of Life.

Happy Tuesday : )